Ten Spring-Break Tips from Glee’s Principal FigginsMonday, March 21, 2011
In the hopes of helping other vulnerable spring break-ers, we dropped the world’s most hilarious principal a line and asked him to provide 10 tips for a successful, moral(ish) spring break. His answers below, in no particular order. Abide or perish!
1. You will burn in hell if you have pre-marital sex. If that doesn’t scare you, then use a condom.
2. Alcohol can cloud your judgment and make Key-Dollar Sign-Ha look like Kesha.
3. Book your travel through a student travel agency that specializes in teen travels, or you might end up vacationing with me and Coach Beiste.
4. If you girls are planning on blindly carrying out immoral activities with the boys, then please know that all the fast-food establishments in Lima, Ohio, are a haven for teenage single mothers.
5. Destination-specific safety tips are a must. What’s safe in Karachi, Pakistan, may not be safe or allowed in Padre Island.
6. It is O.K. to have a little fear of the people you meet or places you are going to. Fearless people sometimes end up on postmortem tables. All naked.
7. Like W.M.H.S.’s Glee Club, have a buddy system for your safety. As one of our great presidents, William Shakespeare, said, “There are things in heaven and Florida far more dangerous than just being slushied in the face.”
8. Call home at least once a day. Parents worry and grow older when you don’t call. If my daughter called me regularly when she was away, then I would be looking a lot younger and be trying to date Scarlett Johansson.
9. While away from home on your break, you can be naughty enough to be called into my office, but don’t be naughty enough to be placed in jail—especially a Mexican jail.
10. If driving, don’t pick up hitchhikers. They might turn out to be bad people, or worse... Sue Sylvester.