Glee’s 10 Gayest Moments of 2011

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Despite its near constant missteps, Glee remains, by far, the gayest show on mainstream television. Likewise, despite some bizarre and infelicitous blips—like being called “homophobic” by Perez Hilton, and the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation—this column maintains its proud position as the fruitiest Glee reportage on the Internet. So, to celebrate another 12 months of collaborative mary-ment, we’ve put together our second annual list of Glee’s 10 gayest moments, along with a counter-intuitive roster of its five not-gayest moments.

10) DINAH WON’T YA BLOW
The Sue Sylvester Shuffle,” Season Two
The queerest part of the Super Bowl episode was not the prancing zombies or the cannons, but this zingy, choreographic Chevy commercial that updated Dinah Shore’s shilling standard with a white-on-white mash-up of Busbey Berkeley and Cirque du Soleil, starring all the Glee kids and a bunch of other twirling freaks.

9) SUDSY WUDSY
Sexy,” Season Two
As if we had any doubt that Homo Hogwarts (a.k.a. Dalton Academy) was nothing but a training ground for junior dancing queens, when these guys get together to try to impress some ladies, they do so by staging a foam party that wouldn’t have looked out of place at the Limelight circa 1993.

8) HAG-NESS OF GOD
Blame it on the Alcohol,” (Season Two) and “The Purple Piano Project,” Season Three
Kurt went into a tizzy, in the aftermath of the kids’ drunken game of spin the bottle, when his boyfriend Blaine thought he might like girls. But we here at the G.G.T.G. knew that there’s no better indication that a man is an avowed homosexual than his making out with a dedicated flame dame like Ms. Berry, a point that was hammered home in this season’s opener by the pamphlet Emma handed Kurt.

7) RAGING STALLIONZ
Hold On to Sixteen,” Season Three
Chord Overstreet’s constant shirtlessness in the first half of season two catapulted him to the coveted top spot on last year’s list. But when he kept all his clothes on for the next dozen episodes, our (ahem) heart withered. Luckily, his re-introduction in season three found him working as a stripper, and rumor has it he’ll be clothed only in a varsity (synchronized) swim-team Speedo for the rest of the year, coloring us a very pink shade of hopeful.

6) SAINT SEBASTIAN
The First Time,” Season Three
Other Glee columns have disparaged Sebastian—the Warblers’ sleazy twink sophisticate—as a negative stereotype, simply for being a drink-swilling, man-stealing, promiscuous, catty party boy. But guess what? Not all gay men are nice. And there are enough of them populating this show to allow room for one who isn’t. We say, bring on the homo villains!

5) BUTCH UP, LADY
A Night of Neglect,” Season Three
When Karofsky catches Kurt and Blaine happily skipping through the halls of McKinley on their way to feed their unicorn, his inner nelly begins neighing, and he prepares to douse his demons by beating the gay out of them. Luckily, Santana intervenes, proving the rule: if you’re a flitty nancy boy like us, make sure you have a butch lesbian friend to protect you.

4) BEAR-LY LEGAL
The First Time,” Season Three
Let’s skip over the whole underage drinking/fake ID/what’s-with-the-rural-gay-bar bit that accompanies everyone’s critique of the boys’ time at Scandals and focus instead on the positive. With this scene, Glee introduced the teens, tweens, and middle-aged women of Middle America to the finer points of the homosexual bear subculture, and that is a remarkable achievement.

3) I DREAM OF JEAN-IE
Born This Way,” Season Two
The only decent scene in the moronic Gaga-themed steam-pile was this delightfully offhanded moment in which Karofsky cruised Sam, looking longingly at the blond boy’s (admittedly pert) ass as he bent over to get a drink from the water fountain. Karofsky’s explanation—that he was just trying to see what kind of jeans Sam wears—was, as Santana noted, no less gay.

2) THE KISS
Original Song,” Season Two
After a months-long mating ritual based mainly in the consumption of cappuccinos, our homo heroes finally made out. The kiss itself seemed appropriately fervid for Kurt’s first (consensual) man mash, and its lingering presence on national prime time felt meaningful even to our hardened hearts; we assume it did even more so to all the young queers that tuned in.

1) AFRAID OF CHANGING
Sexy,” Season Two
Yes, it depicts lesbianism as akin to an inundating avalanche. But it was one of the most tender and emotional confessions of love we’ve ever seen sung between two Sapphic teens. Santana and Brittany are officially our favorite gay coupling (and our favorite characters) on the show, and Naya Rivera and Heather Morris deserve special praise for the complex way they portray this fraught relationship.

NOT GAY
Before you start hyperventilating, Mary, here’s why these other overtly gay moments didn’t make our list. 5) "Born This Way" (Season Two): More like Bored This Way (with the exception of Karofsky’s display of label lust, of course). 4) Big Gay Xmas (Season Three): Blaine and Kurt’s arch retro-closeting was as tedious as the rest of the episode. 3) Jêt-à-Jêt (Season Three): The boys’ duel over the role of Tony paralleled Ramin Setoodeh’s specious argument about gay actors playing straight. 2) Get Out! (Season Three): Finn’s outing of Santana was both out of character and narratively out there. 1) The Big Fuck (Season Three): We know a thing or two about gay sex, and cuddling while wearing a scoop-neck wife-beater does not count as losing your virginity.

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